Undiscovered Gems

The film industry is running out of properties to turn into movies. All the good comic books have been adapted, movies based on board games are in production, and most the popular 1980’s toys have already been optioned. I am a “forward thinker,” and am therefore going to identify potential properties waiting to be turned into box office dollars.

The central question I ask myself when thinking of potential properties is, “What products have built in fan bases?” It would be nice if the product had built in story elements or characters but not necessary. That is what writers are for.

Instead of putting product placement in movies what the product placement was the movie? Then I had a struck of minor genius. Why don’t we turn food properties into films?

Imagine “McDonald’s The Motion Picture.” It already has a built in cast of characters. Imagine a rags to riches story that would sell well during these tough economic times.

Synopsis: A poor farmer loses his farm. He struggles to provide for his family and by chance he starts selling hamburgers out of his car. The farmer makes enough money to build one store. Slowly, he builds a fast food chain, through hard work and sweat. He gets rich but doesn’t know how to deal with the fame. He starts doing coke and grows apart from his family. He has to battle against the health food nuts who demand he make healthy food. The stock price plummets. One day, he remembers that it is all about the food and he redeems his business. (Some of those facts may be incorrect but it doesn’t matter).

Think of the Syndergistic opportunities (I think I just coined "synergistic"). McDonald's can promote the movie, the movie can promote McDonald's. It saves tons on marketing.

This may seem crazy but it’s time to get creative. Hell, Monopoly is becoming a movie. In these rough economic times, we can’t afford to take risks with original material.

William Morris Endeavor - Academy

Unless you live under a rock, you've probably head that two talent agencies merged. William Morris and Endeavor are now William Morris Endeavor. To compensate with the discrepancies in assistant pay, many William Morris assistants are being forced to take a pay cut. Read the following article….

WME assistant pay

I know what you are all thinking? 10.00/hour!? It’s an outrage. Why are we paying these people more than minimum wage? There are rumors of a walk out. Are you fucking kidding me assistants! A walk out! You should be honored be honored to learn from some of the best agents in the business. They’re a spoiled generation.

An agent’s assistant is a status symbol. It’s like a car or nice suit. Some people like attractive (but highly unqualified) assistants, while others like their assistants to have pedigrees. My coworker has an assistant with a Harvard Law Degree. Honest to God – Harvard Fucking Law. God bless the economic crisis. For a lot of us, assistants are as close as we’ll ever come to actually owning slaves. The fact that we have to pay them is really unfair.

I propose that WME retool the training program. Rename it “Agent Academy” and not only not pay assistants, but have them pay an admission fee. It would be like a graduate school for agenting. Think about it, they come into this program very green, unlearned and they come out as Jr. Agents. We groom them, train them, and then let them set up shop here. They owe us.

Do Not Buy Your Mom a Computer

Some of you may assume that I am a heartless bastard, but that is an incorrect assumption. I donate my time to teach my mom how to use a computer. Now that I am a "writer," I decided to write this as a script.


INT. OFFICE
Important Hollywood Agent (me) is immaculately dressed in a suave suit. His ultra sleek black berry rings.

ME
Hi, mom.

(Although we do not see the mother, she is probably wearing pajamas. She’s old, give her a break).

MOTHER
I need your help.

ME
Let me guess, you are having problems with your computer.

MOTHER
Don’t assume I need help with my computer, I’m getting good with it.

ME
What do you need help with?

MOTHER
My computer.

ME
What’s wrong with it?

MOTHER
Nothing happens when I move the clicky thing.

ME
It’s called a mouse.

MOTHER
Yeah. Nothing happens when I move the mouse.

ME
What is on the screen?

MOTHER
I can’t really tell. It’s really dark.

ME
Is it black... Like it is turned off?

MOTHER
Oh...

ME
(large sigh) Is the computer on?

MOTHER
I don’t know. How do I tell?

ME
Is the round light blinking?

MOTHER
No.

ME
Click that.

MOTHER
I’m clicking... Nothing happens.

ME
Is the power cord plugged in?

MOTHER
We don’t need that.

ME
Um... Yeah you do.

MOTHER
No, your father installed WIRELESS last week.

ME
(long, exasperated sigh) No... That’s not how that works. Plug in the computer.


-See what I deal with? I'm a saint.-

The Absence - And Triumphant Return

Note: I have switched over from www.importanthollywoodagent.com to this blogger page. My Mac died…it’s a long story that I’ll put in another post.

I have been absent for over a year. I am sorry, but it will not happen again. Let me explain myself…

Optioning blogs was the new thing a year ago. Obviously, my blog had “value” and people wanted to turn it into a book. I started this blog to educate, but once people started making offers, I realized I had true talent as a writer. It feels good to be both and artist and part of the corporate cycle that destroys artists.

Being a lit agent, I created fake buzz about this blog. Apparently people like to read about the workings of a Hollywood power player. I got an amount in the low six figures as an advance, with percentage of the actual sales.

Then the economy fell apart. The book never went to press… it was never finished actually. It’s funny how quickly you can spend 6 figures, even when living cheaply. Bottle service once a week? I might as well be selling Chiclets in Tijuana.

The question that I’ve been asked is “why didn’t you just go back to your job.” Well… I “burned a bridge.”

After the option sale, I realized I needed time to switch from spectacular literary agent to writer. I needed to quit my job but wasn’t sure how to break it to my boss. I knew that once my career took off, I would have writing job after writing job or I could just live off the royalties of my book, like JK Rowling.

It was 10:45 AM on a Wednesday last summer. My boss had been a real douche bag. He told me that he was getting some “troubling” stories from some of the assistants. Long story short, we had a big blow up and I stormed out.

He said, “I’ll keep a position open in the mail room when you fail. Maybe you can work your way up to assistant by the end of the year, but only if you do good work.”

I told him, “I fucked your wife last night… too bad she wasn’t half the lay your daughter was” (neither of which was true but really fun to say). Bridge. Burned.

So that was that. I got my bonus, but used it up. Then I got unemployment, which was nice, it paid for a couple meals at Nobu each week. Thanks, taxpayers.

So after some changes in agency structures, I was able to move to another big agency down the street. I’m back in the lit world, agenting again.

Know this fans. I’m back. I will never leave you again… unless this blog gets optioned again. I’m still listening to offers.

And I’ll have you know, my former assistant has moved up to Jr. Agent and has a grudge against me. It’s on.

The Moment of Truth - Letters

The following are two business letters I sent a couple weeks ago. I typically would not publish work letters in my blog, but they contain valuable insight. For those of you out of the loop, Preston Beckman is head of Fox’s Programming.

Dear Mr. Beckman,

I want to express my sincere gratitude to you for bringing The Moment of Truth into our world. Speaking as a reality TV lover, I say thanks. The show is brilliant. Speaking as an agent that dabbles in TV packaging, I am inspired.

You were able to produce extremely high ratings without investing much money. You persuaded a woman to confess that she had an affair and would rather be married to a someone else, while her husband watched. The beauty is that you did all this without paying her a cent. She did not even get a consolation prize, but you did. The ratings were massive. Rumor has it that Jr. Executives will not look you in the eye because they are so in awe what you accomplished.

The Moment of Truth has replaced Cheaters as my favorite show.

Also, if you have time sometime next week, I’d love to pitch a new show I put together. The show is called “Vengeance.” It would work best on Showtime or HBO. We find an angry or bored husband or wife. Then, we find a really hot, attractive member of the opposite sex (AKA HOTTY). The Hotty and the upset spouse go on a date, then they have out of this world sex. We film the whole thing.

Then, we tell the spouse (the one that is being Vengeanced) that their spouse wants to meet them for a romantic dinner. Instead of dinner, we show them the sex tape.

It has a lot of potential. We could attract aspiring models and actresses. History has proven that sex tapes are great launching pads. Let’s set up dinner next week.

Sincerely,

Important Hollywood Agent

Dear Mrs. Cleri,

I want to congratulate you on your recent rise to fame. Some may say that the show was damaging to your life, which it may have been, but don’t let the initial pain and humiliation keep you from realizing the true potential of your new found celebrity status.

Through various sources, I have discovered that you are a budding model. I am a talent agent and would love to sit down with you to discuss your future.

You definitely have the model look. We could try to slowly work you into small modeling jobs with various clothing lines and hope that something happens down the line. However, I intend to use your current high profile to launch you into a possible job with Playboy. I know you are not into nudity, but I believe we can garner a mid-six figure deal. It’ll help you and your husband (you guys still together?) You would probably have to lose a few pounds and too be honest, implants would not hurt.

Anyways, I would love for you to come out to LA. We could discuss a future relationship over dinner at The Ivy.

Also, do you know who represents the other man on your episode? You know, the one you would rather be married to? I believe I can package you two together to do a fireman/housewife themed shoot for the spread. I am not supposed to say anything, but Hugh loves the idea.

Sincerely,

Important Hollywood Agent

Leaving My Carbon Footprint at Whole Foods

I invited people over to watch the latest Manchester United Game. I know no one really likes soccer, but soccer has become very trendy. I fake my interest becuase I don’t want to be out of place.

I needed some food for the game. The snacks needed to let people know I am rich, but at the same time, I do not want guests to know I’m trying to impress them. I went to Whole Foods.

Whole Foods sells overpriced food. At first glance, you might think their food is expensive because it is better quality than what you get at Ralphs or Albertsons. That is entirely incorrect. Whole Foods food is the exact same quality, sometimes even worse. However, it comes in a Whole Foods container, which lets people know you spent a lot of money. It also sells rare food. Where else am I going to find gluton free cookies, or soup containing vegetables from five different continents?

I got some organic popcorn and a $12 pint ice cream. As I turned the aisle I hit a Hippy. They really shouldn’t let everyone into whole foods (Maybe they could get a bouncer for the door?). Anyways, my keys spilled to the ground. The hippy noticed that I had a key to a BMW and a Range Rover.

He looked at me and said, “Your carbon foot print must be massive!”

Carbon Footprint? What the fuck is he talking about? I quickly looked down at my shoe to see if I had stepped in some carbon, but no…. Had this Hippy done too much acid? Then he explained the whole concept. Apparently the Hippy was well educated, even though his tie dye shirt would lead you to believe otherwise.

Carbon footprint: A carbon footprint is a "measure of the impact human activities have on the environment in terms of the amount of G produced, measured in units of C" (Wikipedia).

That’s the one thing that sucks about Los Angeles, you are constantly told you are destroying the planet. I applaud people who really do reduce their waste. However, in Los Angeles, most people only lower their carbon footprint because it is convenient or fashionable (Being “green” is totally in right now).

Anyways, I ran into the Hippy again in the parking lot. He started jabbering away about how human are murdering mother Earth.

He quipped, “Humans were put here to nurture the environment and cohabitate with nature.”

I strongly disagree.

What evidence does this man use to prove that humans are not destructive by nature? In our brief existence, we have used up all the oil, destroyed the ozone, created nuclear bombs, killed dozens of species, and will probably run out of water in the next 50 years. Clearly humans are here to destroy the planet. It’s our nature.

Litter while driving. Leave your water running. Turn on your SUV and let it run just because you like the gentle purr (I do that by the way). You are doing your duty as a human to destroy this planet. It’s our nature.

Tyler Perry's How to Make a Ton of Money

I’m beginning to think I’m the only white person that likes Tyler Perry movies.

“Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns” made over $20 million last weekend. In the past 2 years, Mr. Perry made 5 movies and 42 episodes of “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.” That’s crazy. His movies are cheap to make, but they make tons of money.

Tyler Perry writes, directs, and produces his own movies. Any film maker that puts their name in the title demands to be taken seriously. Doesn’t “Stanley Kubricks 2001: A Space Odyssey” sound better than “2001: A Space Odyssey?”

This leads me to today’s story. I had some fellow, upper class, agents over at my house last weekend. Let’s make something clear, they were not all white men. One guy was Jewish and some brought their trophy wives. Anyways, I threw on an episode of “House of Payne.” I began to laugh and enjoy the show, then I turned to my friends and realized they did not share my enjoyment.

Some of their comments,

“Are we in Compton?”

“Should I be drinking Schlitz to understand this?”

“Since this is an urban show, can I yell at the screen?”

“I didn’t even know that the cable company broadcasts this show north of the 10 freeway.”

I called them racist. I know I’m not exactly the most righteous person, but I decided to make the comment.

Their reactions,

“We aren’t racist. We just aren’t the show’s demographic.”

“As a rich, white person, you can’t expect me to understand the ‘urban’ experience.”

“It doesn’t matter if I am black or white, this show just sucks.”

I reminded them that Tyler Perry movies make tons of money.

A friend replied, “That just makes his movies more annoying.”

Then I realized, it…. This is jealousy. Adam Sandler can make a thousand stupid movies, that make tons of money, and no one bats an eye. He does not receive the same hatred of that Tyler Perry gets. It’s not as simple as a black man succeeding where many white men have failed. Tyler Perry pumps out a ton of movies, seemingly effortlessly, and they all make a lot of money. Very few of our movies make money. Most movies in general are failures. Any man that can make this much money, this consistently, is going to have haters (look at that, I even threw in an urban word).

Another house guest went so far as to say, “Seriously, Tyler Perry movies should be put down and made fun of.”

Black people typically only have a few roles to select from; rappers, gangsters, murderers, and basketball players. Tyler Perry has the audacity to portray complex African Americans, that defy stereotypes. He shows black people that are good people. But most importantly, his movies make a ton of money. Keep racking it in Tyler Perry.