Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dogs in Restaraunts

I don’t like dogs. Too be fair, I dislike all animals, especially the ones people keep as house pets.

I was at a Peet’s Coffee (a rich person’s Starbucks). A woman walks in wearing juicy cotoure pajamas and about $100,000 in plastic surgery. She had the audacity to bring her filthy mutt into the coffee shop. Hello! Do we no longer have health code regulations?

I walked up to the Barista and said, “Ummm….” I pointed to the Mutt with my eyes.
Barista: I’m sorry…?

Me: Aren’t you going to do something about that … animal?

The Dog’s Owner, who was standing two feet away from me, made the ill-advised decision to join my conversation.

Crazy Dog Woman: “His name is Molasses.”

I ignore her and roll my eyes.

Crazy Dog Woman: “What, you can’t talk to me.”

Me: “I don’t talk to someone who names an animal “Molasses.” Seriously, what a stupid name. You saw too many Disney movies as a little girl.

I walked away like a smug peacock (peacocks are smug, right?).

I sit, sip my decaf, light whip, moca. To my horror, I feel a wet object slide across my hand. The beast is licked me. I glare at the woman the way that Dick Cheney glares at children.

Me: Get off me.

Crazy Dog Woman: Apologize!

Me: Um… are you kidding me?

Crazy Dog Woman: Apologize to Molasses. You insulted him.

Me: First of all, your dog doesn’t love you.

Crazy Dog Woman: Yes he does. I’m his mommy

Me: Jesus. No. He doesn’t love you. He is not capable of love. He is a fucking dog. Try

I hate Los Angeles sometimes.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Cell Phones in Movie Screenings

I hope all my readers had a great Thanksgiving. I saw Old Dogs, which was excellent. Any movie with a gorilla in the poster is a must see.

About half way through the movie, my cell phone went off. I always leave the ringer on during a film because I hate the way that vibration feels on my thigh. The call was from a studio, so of course, I answered it.

A man behind me had the gall to turn around and ask me to get off my cell phone. It was “ruining” the movie experience. First of all, I do not believe people should be able to keep their phones on during movies. However, there are people who are vitally important to society and therefore should be allowed to use their phones in the theatre. I, of course, am one of them. Besides, if it weren’t for agents handling important business, how do you think Old Dogs would ever have made it to the screen?

I just rolled my eyes at the impolite man. He glared at me, so I told him to “go back to stuffing your face with oversized popcorn and that 2 gallon coke. I’m handling business.” After he kicked my seat, I left the theatre and demanded my money back. Then I remembered that I got the tickets for free, I never pay for films. The Century City theatre shouldn’t even allow non-industry people in.