Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Original Ideas

Memo to all writers.... stop pitching original ideas. No one cares how unique or interesting your movie is. I want an idea based on a selling property!

Monday, April 26, 2010

The Bluetooth Stays In

I want to offer some advice for those of you who want to appear important. Always wear a bluetooth, even if you are not currently on the phone. It gives the impression that people are calling you so often that you don't have time in between calls to take off the earpiece.

The amount of time you keep your bluetooth in your ear is directly proportional to how important you are. I never take my blue tooth out of my ear, except for sex, but if I'm closing a big deal, I leave it in.

You're welcome.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

J.D. Salinger - A Catcher in the Rye- Movie

(What a horrible picture)

The great author, J.D. Salinger, passed away. I cannot attest to his greatness because I never read any of his books, in fact, I don’t read any books. If a book was good it would be made into a movie.

Salinger never sold the book rights to “A Catcher in the Rye!” If it is a good book, then it will make a great movie, right? Movies always turn out better than the books they are adapted from. Staring at a large screen with vivid colors and a loud soundtrack is always going to beat reading black ink on a page.

Even those pretentious literary consume more movies than books. Don’t believe me? How many novels did you read last year? How many movies did you watch? Point proven.

Now that Salinger has passed on, I’m going to try and secure the movie rights. I had to Wikipedia the basic story. (As a side note reading a Wikipedia entry takes long enough… I can’t imagine reading the entire book).


The book would have to be modernized. Holden bottles up a lot of teenage angst. Nowadays teens don’t bottle up any of their emotions, they have the web to express themselves. Holden would quickly YouTube, FaceBook, and Twitter about his feelings. That’ll also provide for some great product placement opportunities. Just imagine having Holden tweet this in the movie..
“OMG. Just saw a prostitute. I feel weird about it. Whateva.”

The relationship with his sister would need to be changed. We’ll change her from a sister to a love interest. is kind of tomboyish, so maybe Kristen Stewart for the role?

The Rye field dream sequence has a lot of cinematic potential. I’m thinking 3-D. It would be like you are actually moving through the Rye Fields!

The ending would have to be changed improved. It’s so depressing and open ended. Maybe Holden falls in love and gets over all his emotional problems? Just a thought.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tiger Woods

You may have heard rumors running around Hollywood. This story is going to come out soon, so I thought I’d come out ahead of it. I have to own up to the truth.
I had an affair with Tiger Woods.

In 2008, I attended a party for the Thousand Oaks tournament. I got plastered that night at the VIP party. I was so intoxicated that I do not even remember what happen. When I woke, I saw Tiger putting on his red polo shirt. I assumed that women had left the room earlier, but I was wrong.

Let me first state that I am not gay. If you are black-out drunk and do not remember what happened, it doesn't count. Tiger and I have never talked about what happened, therefore I'm not gay.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

LiveLinks Phone Sex

(okay, so I threw in some extra words into the title to up my page views).

New Business Idea: LiveLinks for Women

You’ve probably seen this commercial before. It comes on late at night, during shows like Elimidate. I’m sure hot girls sit around weekend nights, waiting for your drunk ass to call them. Women get as lonely as men get horny. Why not provide them some sort of comparable service?
Imagine a man strong jaw line staring into the camera mouthing phrases like…
“Tell me about your day. I love listening.”
“You’re the type of women I’d want to commit to.”
“You’re right, it is awful that Rhonda wore the same belt as Jane.”
“You sound like you would make a really good mother. Do you want children? I want to have at least three.”
“It’s okay, I don’t want to have sex anyway, but can we spoon all night?”

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dogs in Restaraunts

I don’t like dogs. Too be fair, I dislike all animals, especially the ones people keep as house pets.

I was at a Peet’s Coffee (a rich person’s Starbucks). A woman walks in wearing juicy cotoure pajamas and about $100,000 in plastic surgery. She had the audacity to bring her filthy mutt into the coffee shop. Hello! Do we no longer have health code regulations?

I walked up to the Barista and said, “Ummm….” I pointed to the Mutt with my eyes.
Barista: I’m sorry…?

Me: Aren’t you going to do something about that … animal?

The Dog’s Owner, who was standing two feet away from me, made the ill-advised decision to join my conversation.

Crazy Dog Woman: “His name is Molasses.”

I ignore her and roll my eyes.

Crazy Dog Woman: “What, you can’t talk to me.”

Me: “I don’t talk to someone who names an animal “Molasses.” Seriously, what a stupid name. You saw too many Disney movies as a little girl.

I walked away like a smug peacock (peacocks are smug, right?).

I sit, sip my decaf, light whip, moca. To my horror, I feel a wet object slide across my hand. The beast is licked me. I glare at the woman the way that Dick Cheney glares at children.

Me: Get off me.

Crazy Dog Woman: Apologize!

Me: Um… are you kidding me?

Crazy Dog Woman: Apologize to Molasses. You insulted him.

Me: First of all, your dog doesn’t love you.

Crazy Dog Woman: Yes he does. I’m his mommy

Me: Jesus. No. He doesn’t love you. He is not capable of love. He is a fucking dog. Try

I hate Los Angeles sometimes.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Cell Phones in Movie Screenings

I hope all my readers had a great Thanksgiving. I saw Old Dogs, which was excellent. Any movie with a gorilla in the poster is a must see.

About half way through the movie, my cell phone went off. I always leave the ringer on during a film because I hate the way that vibration feels on my thigh. The call was from a studio, so of course, I answered it.

A man behind me had the gall to turn around and ask me to get off my cell phone. It was “ruining” the movie experience. First of all, I do not believe people should be able to keep their phones on during movies. However, there are people who are vitally important to society and therefore should be allowed to use their phones in the theatre. I, of course, am one of them. Besides, if it weren’t for agents handling important business, how do you think Old Dogs would ever have made it to the screen?

I just rolled my eyes at the impolite man. He glared at me, so I told him to “go back to stuffing your face with oversized popcorn and that 2 gallon coke. I’m handling business.” After he kicked my seat, I left the theatre and demanded my money back. Then I remembered that I got the tickets for free, I never pay for films. The Century City theatre shouldn’t even allow non-industry people in.