Monday, March 31, 2008

The Moment of Truth - Letters

The following are two business letters I sent a couple weeks ago. I typically would not publish work letters in my blog, but they contain valuable insight. For those of you out of the loop, Preston Beckman is head of Fox’s Programming.

Dear Mr. Beckman,

I want to express my sincere gratitude to you for bringing The Moment of Truth into our world. Speaking as a reality TV lover, I say thanks. The show is brilliant. Speaking as an agent that dabbles in TV packaging, I am inspired.

You were able to produce extremely high ratings without investing much money. You persuaded a woman to confess that she had an affair and would rather be married to a someone else, while her husband watched. The beauty is that you did all this without paying her a cent. She did not even get a consolation prize, but you did. The ratings were massive. Rumor has it that Jr. Executives will not look you in the eye because they are so in awe what you accomplished.

The Moment of Truth has replaced Cheaters as my favorite show.

Also, if you have time sometime next week, I’d love to pitch a new show I put together. The show is called “Vengeance.” It would work best on Showtime or HBO. We find an angry or bored husband or wife. Then, we find a really hot, attractive member of the opposite sex (AKA HOTTY). The Hotty and the upset spouse go on a date, then they have out of this world sex. We film the whole thing.

Then, we tell the spouse (the one that is being Vengeanced) that their spouse wants to meet them for a romantic dinner. Instead of dinner, we show them the sex tape.

It has a lot of potential. We could attract aspiring models and actresses. History has proven that sex tapes are great launching pads. Let’s set up dinner next week.


Important Hollywood Agent

Dear Mrs. Cleri,

I want to congratulate you on your recent rise to fame. Some may say that the show was damaging to your life, which it may have been, but don’t let the initial pain and humiliation keep you from realizing the true potential of your new found celebrity status.

Through various sources, I have discovered that you are a budding model. I am a talent agent and would love to sit down with you to discuss your future.

You definitely have the model look. We could try to slowly work you into small modeling jobs with various clothing lines and hope that something happens down the line. However, I intend to use your current high profile to launch you into a possible job with Playboy. I know you are not into nudity, but I believe we can garner a mid-six figure deal. It’ll help you and your husband (you guys still together?) You would probably have to lose a few pounds and too be honest, implants would not hurt.

Anyways, I would love for you to come out to LA. We could discuss a future relationship over dinner at The Ivy.

Also, do you know who represents the other man on your episode? You know, the one you would rather be married to? I believe I can package you two together to do a fireman/housewife themed shoot for the spread. I am not supposed to say anything, but Hugh loves the idea.


Important Hollywood Agent

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Leaving My Carbon Footprint at Whole Foods

I invited people over to watch the latest Manchester United Game. I know no one really likes soccer, but soccer has become very trendy. I fake my interest becuase I don’t want to be out of place.

I needed some food for the game. The snacks needed to let people know I am rich, but at the same time, I do not want guests to know I’m trying to impress them. I went to Whole Foods.

Whole Foods sells overpriced food. At first glance, you might think their food is expensive because it is better quality than what you get at Ralphs or Albertsons. That is entirely incorrect. Whole Foods food is the exact same quality, sometimes even worse. However, it comes in a Whole Foods container, which lets people know you spent a lot of money. It also sells rare food. Where else am I going to find gluton free cookies, or soup containing vegetables from five different continents?

I got some organic popcorn and a $12 pint ice cream. As I turned the aisle I hit a Hippy. They really shouldn’t let everyone into whole foods (Maybe they could get a bouncer for the door?). Anyways, my keys spilled to the ground. The hippy noticed that I had a key to a BMW and a Range Rover.

He looked at me and said, “Your carbon foot print must be massive!”

Carbon Footprint? What the fuck is he talking about? I quickly looked down at my shoe to see if I had stepped in some carbon, but no…. Had this Hippy done too much acid? Then he explained the whole concept. Apparently the Hippy was well educated, even though his tie dye shirt would lead you to believe otherwise.

Carbon footprint: A carbon footprint is a "measure of the impact human activities have on the environment in terms of the amount of G produced, measured in units of C" (Wikipedia).

That’s the one thing that sucks about Los Angeles, you are constantly told you are destroying the planet. I applaud people who really do reduce their waste. However, in Los Angeles, most people only lower their carbon footprint because it is convenient or fashionable (Being “green” is totally in right now).

Anyways, I ran into the Hippy again in the parking lot. He started jabbering away about how human are murdering mother Earth.

He quipped, “Humans were put here to nurture the environment and cohabitate with nature.”

I strongly disagree.

What evidence does this man use to prove that humans are not destructive by nature? In our brief existence, we have used up all the oil, destroyed the ozone, created nuclear bombs, killed dozens of species, and will probably run out of water in the next 50 years. Clearly humans are here to destroy the planet. It’s our nature.

Litter while driving. Leave your water running. Turn on your SUV and let it run just because you like the gentle purr (I do that by the way). You are doing your duty as a human to destroy this planet. It’s our nature.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Tyler Perry's How to Make a Ton of Money

I’m beginning to think I’m the only white person that likes Tyler Perry movies.

“Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns” made over $20 million last weekend. In the past 2 years, Mr. Perry made 5 movies and 42 episodes of “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.” That’s crazy. His movies are cheap to make, but they make tons of money.

Tyler Perry writes, directs, and produces his own movies. Any film maker that puts their name in the title demands to be taken seriously. Doesn’t “Stanley Kubricks 2001: A Space Odyssey” sound better than “2001: A Space Odyssey?”

This leads me to today’s story. I had some fellow, upper class, agents over at my house last weekend. Let’s make something clear, they were not all white men. One guy was Jewish and some brought their trophy wives. Anyways, I threw on an episode of “House of Payne.” I began to laugh and enjoy the show, then I turned to my friends and realized they did not share my enjoyment.

Some of their comments,

“Are we in Compton?”

“Should I be drinking Schlitz to understand this?”

“Since this is an urban show, can I yell at the screen?”

“I didn’t even know that the cable company broadcasts this show north of the 10 freeway.”

I called them racist. I know I’m not exactly the most righteous person, but I decided to make the comment.

Their reactions,

“We aren’t racist. We just aren’t the show’s demographic.”

“As a rich, white person, you can’t expect me to understand the ‘urban’ experience.”

“It doesn’t matter if I am black or white, this show just sucks.”

I reminded them that Tyler Perry movies make tons of money.

A friend replied, “That just makes his movies more annoying.”

Then I realized, it…. This is jealousy. Adam Sandler can make a thousand stupid movies, that make tons of money, and no one bats an eye. He does not receive the same hatred of that Tyler Perry gets. It’s not as simple as a black man succeeding where many white men have failed. Tyler Perry pumps out a ton of movies, seemingly effortlessly, and they all make a lot of money. Very few of our movies make money. Most movies in general are failures. Any man that can make this much money, this consistently, is going to have haters (look at that, I even threw in an urban word).

Another house guest went so far as to say, “Seriously, Tyler Perry movies should be put down and made fun of.”

Black people typically only have a few roles to select from; rappers, gangsters, murderers, and basketball players. Tyler Perry has the audacity to portray complex African Americans, that defy stereotypes. He shows black people that are good people. But most importantly, his movies make a ton of money. Keep racking it in Tyler Perry.