The Absence - And Triumphant Return

Note: I have switched over from www.importanthollywoodagent.com to this blogger page. My Mac died…it’s a long story that I’ll put in another post.

I have been absent for over a year. I am sorry, but it will not happen again. Let me explain myself…

Optioning blogs was the new thing a year ago. Obviously, my blog had “value” and people wanted to turn it into a book. I started this blog to educate, but once people started making offers, I realized I had true talent as a writer. It feels good to be both and artist and part of the corporate cycle that destroys artists.

Being a lit agent, I created fake buzz about this blog. Apparently people like to read about the workings of a Hollywood power player. I got an amount in the low six figures as an advance, with percentage of the actual sales.

Then the economy fell apart. The book never went to press… it was never finished actually. It’s funny how quickly you can spend 6 figures, even when living cheaply. Bottle service once a week? I might as well be selling Chiclets in Tijuana.

The question that I’ve been asked is “why didn’t you just go back to your job.” Well… I “burned a bridge.”

After the option sale, I realized I needed time to switch from spectacular literary agent to writer. I needed to quit my job but wasn’t sure how to break it to my boss. I knew that once my career took off, I would have writing job after writing job or I could just live off the royalties of my book, like JK Rowling.

It was 10:45 AM on a Wednesday last summer. My boss had been a real douche bag. He told me that he was getting some “troubling” stories from some of the assistants. Long story short, we had a big blow up and I stormed out.

He said, “I’ll keep a position open in the mail room when you fail. Maybe you can work your way up to assistant by the end of the year, but only if you do good work.”

I told him, “I fucked your wife last night… too bad she wasn’t half the lay your daughter was” (neither of which was true but really fun to say). Bridge. Burned.

So that was that. I got my bonus, but used it up. Then I got unemployment, which was nice, it paid for a couple meals at Nobu each week. Thanks, taxpayers.

So after some changes in agency structures, I was able to move to another big agency down the street. I’m back in the lit world, agenting again.

Know this fans. I’m back. I will never leave you again… unless this blog gets optioned again. I’m still listening to offers.

And I’ll have you know, my former assistant has moved up to Jr. Agent and has a grudge against me. It’s on.

The Moment of Truth - Letters

The following are two business letters I sent a couple weeks ago. I typically would not publish work letters in my blog, but they contain valuable insight. For those of you out of the loop, Preston Beckman is head of Fox’s Programming.

Dear Mr. Beckman,

I want to express my sincere gratitude to you for bringing The Moment of Truth into our world. Speaking as a reality TV lover, I say thanks. The show is brilliant. Speaking as an agent that dabbles in TV packaging, I am inspired.

You were able to produce extremely high ratings without investing much money. You persuaded a woman to confess that she had an affair and would rather be married to a someone else, while her husband watched. The beauty is that you did all this without paying her a cent. She did not even get a consolation prize, but you did. The ratings were massive. Rumor has it that Jr. Executives will not look you in the eye because they are so in awe what you accomplished.

The Moment of Truth has replaced Cheaters as my favorite show.

Also, if you have time sometime next week, I’d love to pitch a new show I put together. The show is called “Vengeance.” It would work best on Showtime or HBO. We find an angry or bored husband or wife. Then, we find a really hot, attractive member of the opposite sex (AKA HOTTY). The Hotty and the upset spouse go on a date, then they have out of this world sex. We film the whole thing.

Then, we tell the spouse (the one that is being Vengeanced) that their spouse wants to meet them for a romantic dinner. Instead of dinner, we show them the sex tape.

It has a lot of potential. We could attract aspiring models and actresses. History has proven that sex tapes are great launching pads. Let’s set up dinner next week.

Sincerely,

Important Hollywood Agent

Dear Mrs. Cleri,

I want to congratulate you on your recent rise to fame. Some may say that the show was damaging to your life, which it may have been, but don’t let the initial pain and humiliation keep you from realizing the true potential of your new found celebrity status.

Through various sources, I have discovered that you are a budding model. I am a talent agent and would love to sit down with you to discuss your future.

You definitely have the model look. We could try to slowly work you into small modeling jobs with various clothing lines and hope that something happens down the line. However, I intend to use your current high profile to launch you into a possible job with Playboy. I know you are not into nudity, but I believe we can garner a mid-six figure deal. It’ll help you and your husband (you guys still together?) You would probably have to lose a few pounds and too be honest, implants would not hurt.

Anyways, I would love for you to come out to LA. We could discuss a future relationship over dinner at The Ivy.

Also, do you know who represents the other man on your episode? You know, the one you would rather be married to? I believe I can package you two together to do a fireman/housewife themed shoot for the spread. I am not supposed to say anything, but Hugh loves the idea.

Sincerely,

Important Hollywood Agent

Leaving My Carbon Footprint at Whole Foods

I invited people over to watch the latest Manchester United Game. I know no one really likes soccer, but soccer has become very trendy. I fake my interest becuase I don’t want to be out of place.

I needed some food for the game. The snacks needed to let people know I am rich, but at the same time, I do not want guests to know I’m trying to impress them. I went to Whole Foods.

Whole Foods sells overpriced food. At first glance, you might think their food is expensive because it is better quality than what you get at Ralphs or Albertsons. That is entirely incorrect. Whole Foods food is the exact same quality, sometimes even worse. However, it comes in a Whole Foods container, which lets people know you spent a lot of money. It also sells rare food. Where else am I going to find gluton free cookies, or soup containing vegetables from five different continents?

I got some organic popcorn and a $12 pint ice cream. As I turned the aisle I hit a Hippy. They really shouldn’t let everyone into whole foods (Maybe they could get a bouncer for the door?). Anyways, my keys spilled to the ground. The hippy noticed that I had a key to a BMW and a Range Rover.

He looked at me and said, “Your carbon foot print must be massive!”

Carbon Footprint? What the fuck is he talking about? I quickly looked down at my shoe to see if I had stepped in some carbon, but no…. Had this Hippy done too much acid? Then he explained the whole concept. Apparently the Hippy was well educated, even though his tie dye shirt would lead you to believe otherwise.

Carbon footprint: A carbon footprint is a "measure of the impact human activities have on the environment in terms of the amount of G produced, measured in units of C" (Wikipedia).

That’s the one thing that sucks about Los Angeles, you are constantly told you are destroying the planet. I applaud people who really do reduce their waste. However, in Los Angeles, most people only lower their carbon footprint because it is convenient or fashionable (Being “green” is totally in right now).

Anyways, I ran into the Hippy again in the parking lot. He started jabbering away about how human are murdering mother Earth.

He quipped, “Humans were put here to nurture the environment and cohabitate with nature.”

I strongly disagree.

What evidence does this man use to prove that humans are not destructive by nature? In our brief existence, we have used up all the oil, destroyed the ozone, created nuclear bombs, killed dozens of species, and will probably run out of water in the next 50 years. Clearly humans are here to destroy the planet. It’s our nature.

Litter while driving. Leave your water running. Turn on your SUV and let it run just because you like the gentle purr (I do that by the way). You are doing your duty as a human to destroy this planet. It’s our nature.

Tyler Perry's How to Make a Ton of Money

I’m beginning to think I’m the only white person that likes Tyler Perry movies.

“Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns” made over $20 million last weekend. In the past 2 years, Mr. Perry made 5 movies and 42 episodes of “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.” That’s crazy. His movies are cheap to make, but they make tons of money.

Tyler Perry writes, directs, and produces his own movies. Any film maker that puts their name in the title demands to be taken seriously. Doesn’t “Stanley Kubricks 2001: A Space Odyssey” sound better than “2001: A Space Odyssey?”

This leads me to today’s story. I had some fellow, upper class, agents over at my house last weekend. Let’s make something clear, they were not all white men. One guy was Jewish and some brought their trophy wives. Anyways, I threw on an episode of “House of Payne.” I began to laugh and enjoy the show, then I turned to my friends and realized they did not share my enjoyment.

Some of their comments,

“Are we in Compton?”

“Should I be drinking Schlitz to understand this?”

“Since this is an urban show, can I yell at the screen?”

“I didn’t even know that the cable company broadcasts this show north of the 10 freeway.”

I called them racist. I know I’m not exactly the most righteous person, but I decided to make the comment.

Their reactions,

“We aren’t racist. We just aren’t the show’s demographic.”

“As a rich, white person, you can’t expect me to understand the ‘urban’ experience.”

“It doesn’t matter if I am black or white, this show just sucks.”

I reminded them that Tyler Perry movies make tons of money.

A friend replied, “That just makes his movies more annoying.”

Then I realized, it…. This is jealousy. Adam Sandler can make a thousand stupid movies, that make tons of money, and no one bats an eye. He does not receive the same hatred of that Tyler Perry gets. It’s not as simple as a black man succeeding where many white men have failed. Tyler Perry pumps out a ton of movies, seemingly effortlessly, and they all make a lot of money. Very few of our movies make money. Most movies in general are failures. Any man that can make this much money, this consistently, is going to have haters (look at that, I even threw in an urban word).

Another house guest went so far as to say, “Seriously, Tyler Perry movies should be put down and made fun of.”

Black people typically only have a few roles to select from; rappers, gangsters, murderers, and basketball players. Tyler Perry has the audacity to portray complex African Americans, that defy stereotypes. He shows black people that are good people. But most importantly, his movies make a ton of money. Keep racking it in Tyler Perry.

Oscar party

I went to an Oscar Party the other night, at a house in the hills. It was an ok time.

I got a Sunny D and vodka when the who-gives-a-fuck-awards were announced. I’m looking at you, “live action short” and “documentary short.”

I bumped into some snooty, independent film producer on my way back. He was pissed that I knocked his clove cigarette out of his hand. When the winner for “best short documentary” was announced, he sighed loudly and let everyone know that some other nominated short documentary got “screwed.”

I couldn’t help myself. These words fell out of my mouth, “Dude, really, no one cares. You watch small documentary films. You are cultured, we get it.” I let him know that short films and documentaries do not make money, and therefore are not real movies. God, I hate independent film producers.

He replied, “if you cared about film, you would take the time to see the short documentaries.”

“Sorry, I don’t attend student film festivals. If I want to see 5 films about the Iraq War, I’ll turn on the news,” was my rebuttal.

Then he called me a “phillistine,” and went so far as to call me “a sell out, who pressures studios to compromise the director’s artistic vision, so that a film may make more money.”

I said, “thank you.” Then, I flirted with his model girlfriend. She realized how much more money I made and she gave me her number. He had no reply for that.

As people downed more “Let There Be Bloody Marys,” I was forced to listen to endlessly as people called me “friendo,” or told me how they were going to “drink my milkshake.” I wanted to make another oscar movie reference by throwing bowling pins at them, but none were available.

Some good movies that no one saw, won a bunch of awards. It was a good excuse to get drunk.

Universal Studios Ups the Ante

I opened up Variety this morning and read the most interesting article. Click on the link below to check i out.

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117981215.html?categoryid=18&cs=1

That’ right, Universal Pictures acquired the rights to make movies based on Hasbro board games; Monopoly, Battleship, Candyland, etc.

Some snotty intern called this “the ultimate sign that the film industry has hit rock bottom.” I immediately sent that kid to do 10 Starbucks laps (a Starbucks lap consists of going to Starbucks, getting a coffee, and bringing it back). Since he was an intern, I made him bring the assistants coffee, just to make it extra humiliating. Of course they only got a small black coffee, small (roughly $1.50). As opposed to the Venti, Triple shot, soy vanilla late I get ($5.25).

My staff is hard at work pitching writers to Universal as we speak. I took the liberty to come up with some of my own ideas.

Game: Monopoly

Title: “From Baltic To Boardwalk”

Movie Synopsis:

It is the Great Depression. A poor MAN can barely afford to pay his rent on baltic avenue. His landlord owns the whole block, which according to a loop hole in the law, forces him to pay double rent. He owes money to the electric company and waterworks. The only thing he owns is dog, a top hat, and a wheelbarrow.

To avoid his debt, he takes the Orient Express to a new city. He gets a better job and slowly works his way up. The man comes on hard times, he lands in jail, but later we find out that he was “just visiting.”

The Man works himself up to become a property tycoon, only to fight off other tycoons that want his property. At the end of the film, the Man finally gets a penthouse on Broadway.

It’s a rag to riches story with a complete story arc. The Monopoly mythology is so rich. The Monopoly Man will be the narrator.

Game: Battleship

Title: Battleship: Search and Destroy!

Movie Synopsis:

Imagine the intensity of the following scene (I should be a writer)…

An American Naval Commander sits on the deck of his destroyer. He orders a surprise attack on the terrorists/Soviet/Nazi/Alien ship. A small cruiser launches from an American harbor at lightning speed. The American ship becomes involved in a full CGI battle. We even get a shot that tracks a missile from the moment it is launched until it hits the bad guy ship... ala Pearl Harbor (I should be a director).

The battle is long and protracted, but we use a lot of fast cuts to keep everyone’s attention (I hate shots that are longer than .4 seconds). The Americans fight valiantly but die… die for their country.

We then cut back to the Commander. He orders his soldiers have a moment of silence for the fallen. The tough Commander sheds one tear, but he is resolute. He looks onward toward the bad guys and utters the famous words... “You sunk my battleship.”


Who wouldn’t want to see a movie based on their favorite board game? Even though it is a rhetorical question, I am still going to answer it. NO ONE!

My hat is off to you Universal. What a bold move. All those old fashioned movie studios are busy adapting novels or plays, but not you. You had the ingenious and foresight to realize we are in a new cinematic era. Children’s toys and Disneyland rides are the blockbusters of our future.

I have racked my brain to try and figure out where the next blockbuster idea might come from… I’m thinking about food products. Everyone has a favorite cereal character right? Can you imagine a movie starring Cap’N Crunch. The Aunt Jemima story; a poor slave descendent works her way out of poverty by selling syrup. The cross advertising appeal is built in. It’s a great day for film.

The Fallen Apple

As stated in an earlier blog entry, our office has done away with my PC (personal computer to those of you born before the 1970s). I know have a Apple Macintosh. Many people use Macs in Los Angeles. It’s almost impossible to walk into a Starbucks without tripping over a Mac laptop. (At least that’s what Walter tells me). Apple users feel a strong need to make it clear they use Apple Products. They wear Apple branded clothing, some even go so far as to put Apple stickers on their cars. I am a proud PC user and there fore put an ugly, but functional PC sticker on my car (see below). Mac users are so individualistic, that the exact machine that millions of people across the world use.

Last night, I ventured into the Century City Pacific Theater. I typically only watch movies in private screenings, but I felt like slumming it. I noticed a young lad on a date with a girl. The date was going nowhere quick. He tried to slide his arm around her, but she backed off. Conversation dried. The young lad has an idea. Perhaps he can win her back by displaying how hip he is. He reaches into his pocket and slips out a leather pouch. With a twirl of his hand, he slides the leather case off his slick iPhone (he clearly practiced the move). He gracefully slid his fingers across the touch screen. Perhaps he was sending a subtle message about his fingering ability. Did it work? No. The girl uttered the following words, “that phone like costs more than like a Coach purse.”
If a classless man wears a classy suit, he is still classless. Apple products do not magically turn you “hip” or “creative.”

Apple cater to the “creatives.” I know that Final Cut, DVD Studio Pro, and Garage Band are great products, but how many mac users are churning out Documentaries, albums, or stellar DVD menus? Perhaps simply having those programs on your computer make you more creative… maybe by osmosis? Plus, if you own a Mac, when you walk into an Apple store you feel like part of the club. Whenever I walk by a Mac store, I pull out my Microsoft Zune and make sure a “Mac Genius” sees me use it. By the way, why are the Mac cashiers is not a “Genius.” I guess if you make minimum wage and can load apple software onto a computer then you are considered a genius nowadays. We’ve lowered our standards.

Why do I prefer a PC over a MAC? Mainly because I don’t like being a pretentious douche bag. More specifically, I like paying less money for a more powerful computer. I like to support capitalists like Bill Gates. He did get a bad rap in all those anti-trst law suits.

People talk about how the iPhone is so “cutting edge” and “easy to use.” What computer or cell phone isn’t easy to use? We’ve lowered our standards in yet another way. Do people really have trouble using their telephones? Perhaps, cutting edge technology should take brainpower to use. For $500 (without contract), the iPhone better be “cutting edge.”

So mac users, enjoy playing chopsticks on garageband or shelling out $19.99 to download a poor quality movie you can only watch on your computer. I’m going to fire up my PC and watch an HD movie I downloaded and didn’t pay for. Then I’ll play the an incredibly high resolution computer game. Jealous much?

If you see someone walking down the street with the Windows vista T Shirt, you know it’s me. PC Pride!