Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A Hate/Hate Relationship

I got an e-mail from saying that I was too “harsh” to Walter. Although I would disagree with the reader’s use of the word “slave,” I did take his letter in consideration. To those that say I am cruel to my assistants, let me share a story about the VP of Talent and his Assistant.

Yesterday we got new Macs in the office. I hate macs. What’s next for our office? Mandatory tye-dye suits and reefer hour? Should I get a lava lamp to make my new MAC feel more at home. MACs belong in avante-garde art studio, not an agency.

I hate those really pretentious commercials with Justin Long as MAC and that nerdy looking guy as PC. Here is my proposal script for their next commercial.

PC: Hey Mac, why are your computers so expensive?

Mac: So pretentious douche bags can can pay twice as much to feel “arty” while using an operating system that is minimally different from Windows.

PC: Oh.

Back to the story...

Our VP of Talent is an older gentlemen and is not computer savvy. Here is a recount of yesterday.

9:30 AM:

We walk into the office and see our shiny white MACs have replaced out black Dell PCs. I was a much bigger fan of the sinister black, but I’ll get by.

10:00 AM:

The VP yells that his computer is “broken.” He must have confused the word “broken” with the words, “I don’t know how to use my new computer.”

11:09 AM:

The VP demands that his Assistant retrieve his old PC.

The Assistant retorts, “I’ll go see if I can find it.”

“You might want to check the trash bins,” grunts the VP.

11:48 AM:

The assistant says that the PCs have been taken away. The VP is annoyed that no one asked him if he wanted a “god damn hippy computer.” He throws his toy football at his Assistant. The Assistant has become slightly aggravated. He reminds the VP that it is against company policy to throw objects at employees.

11:55 AM:

A smile creeps over the VPs face. He begins throwing objects at the wall right next to his Assistant; a stapler, TV remote, keyboard, his new MAC. The clever VP found a loop hole, “I didn’t throw anything AT you! I threw it NEXT to you! hahahah.” The Assistant did not share in his boss’ laughter. Instead, he showed he was not committed to his job, and took a 30 minute lunch break.

1:28 PM:

Still unable to get his MAC to work, the VP decides to take matters into his own hands. He marches down to the IT Department. I followed. I love a good fight.

The VP slams both fists on the IT guys’ desk while screaming, “can someone get my fucking computer to work. I haven’t been able to get a god damn thing done all day and I’m fucking pissed. I want my old computer back now!” Then he flings all the papers off of the IT guy’s desk.

The IT guy explains that the PCs “were given to a low income elementary school this morning.”

3:17 PM:

The VP throws a map of Compton at his Assistant. The Assistant gets the clue and drives off in his 1992 Civic.

4:40 PM:

The Assistant returns. His clothes are dishevelled and his tie is missing, but he carries the VPs old PC. It has a “Reading is Fundamental” sticker on the back of it.

5:03 PM:

The VP now has his old PC on his desk. One poor Compton kid has been deprived of their opportunity to learn how to use a computer.

5:50 PM:

The VP is pissed at his Assistant because his Assistant filed a “violence complaint” with HR. The VP tells his Assistant, “since it’s been a hard day, I’m going to let you off off early. Hell, I’ll even do you one better, you’ll never have to come here again. How does that sound?”

6:00 PM:

The Assistant leaves in disgrace. He takes his Dartmouth flag with him.

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